A humorous look at travel, family, relationships… And all kinds of other shit.

A much better use for the ‘selfie stick’

When I walked off the plane in Chicago’s O’Hare airport last week after a 10-hour flight from Switzerland, I saw not one, not two, but THREE different people taking pictures of themselves with “selfie sticks.”

But here’s the thing. They weren’t taking group shots. And they weren’t taking interesting photos. They were using their selfish sticks to take pictures of themselves, in the airport. Probably so they could post them on Facebook or Instagram.

One dude was using his ego stick to take his own picture in front of a McDonalds. I wonder what that caption would be on Instagram:

“Here I am in front of the McDonalds in O’Hare airport! I might get a Quarter Pounder with Cheese, or maybe some McNuggets! Would I like fries with that? Indeed I would! Indeed I would like fries with that!!”

Here’s what his caption should be:

“I’m such a fucking narcissistic asshole that I bought a stick that I can attach a camera to so I can take pictures of myself CONSTANTLY and post them online because I think people actually give a flying fuck through a rolling donut hole about me and my stupid face.”

Another woman was using a her selfish stick to take a selfie in front of one of those disgusting Cinnabon places, and I can only imagine what her caption would read: ‘

“Here I am at O’Hare with my selfie stick, about to smash a huge gross fat bomb into my piggish face, so I thought I’d take a picture before I automatically gain six more pounds.”

The third selfer? I don’t even know what he was taking a picture of. All I know is, he was standing in the middle of the corridor, and people had to walk around him while he pleasured himself with his selfish stick. I came very close to shoving his stick up his ass and taking a picture of his colon. Now that would get some likes on Instagram, I’d wager.

I used to think that the only people who should have “selfie sticks” were midgets, dwarves, and other people with very short arms, who can’t take selfies without some equipment.

But after seeing these idiots with their ego sticks, I decided that I am immediately going to buy one. But I won’t use it to take pictures. I’ll use it as a weapon. Here, in no particular order, are the people I will thrash with my new selfie stick, on a regular basis:

Anyone using a selfie stick. If you’re taking a group picture, or a couple’s picture, you’re off the hook. And if you’re standing in front of, say, the Eiffel Tower, or the Taj Mahal, you get a pass. But if you’re just one of those dicks taking a picture of yourself standing in an airport, or on the street, or in a restaurant, you get a beating. Not a bad beating. Just a couple of whacks across your ass. Enough to leave a mark. And if you want, you can use your selfie stick to take a picture of me beating you with my selfie stick, and put it on Facebook. Or, better yet, you can use the reach of your selfie stick to take a picture of your ass with welts all over it. You’re such a narcissist that you’ve probably already taken pictures of your ass, so you know how to do it.

The Walking Stupid. These are the assholes in my neighborhood (and in airports, and any other public space) who walk with their heads down, oblivious to the foot traffic around them, like high-tech zombies, because they are busy texting or Facebooking or tweeting on their phones. These asshats expect everyone else to get out of their way.

I always have great fun not getting out of their way. I walk straight at them and plow into them. Hard. And there’s nothing they can do, because they know it’s their fault. But now that I think about it, it would be much more fun to beat them about the head and shoulders with my selfie stick.

I would be like Robert De Nero as Al Capone in The Untouchables, when he beat the guy with a baseball bat . . . only the the whole time I’d be saying, “Tweet THIS, mother fucker!!! Put THIS on your goddamn Instagram!!!!”

The non-stop joggers. You’ve seen these assholes. They jog through the city streets, taking up precious sidewalk space . . . but when they get to a red light, they don’t stop jogging. They jog in place! Usually while they hold their finger to their pulse and look at their watch. As if, should they stop jogging for even TEN SECONDS, their metabolism will plummet and they will gain 16 pounds.

These people always look like they need a beef sandwich. I will take great pleasure in whipping them across the back of their twiggy little jogger thighs, until they stop moving and lay on the ground, twitching, and getting fat.

And when they finally get up to start running again, I will be ready for them. I will impale a beef sandwich on the end of my stick, and run with them, holding the sandwich just inches from their nose and dripping the juice on their $500 jogging shoes.

The Clipboard Nazis. These are the people who stand on the busy corner near my house, with their “good cause” clipboards. As you walk up, they accost you, and say things like, “Sir, do you have just two minutes to talk about saving the planet?”

Like, what kind of dick wouldn’t have two minutes to talk about saving the planet, right? Well, I don’t. Because A) it won’t be two minutes, it will be 15 minutes, and twenty dollars. And B) I have no faith that these hippies can actually do anything to save the planet. In fact, I think they will use my money to buy weed.

But here’s the thing. You can’t avoid the Clipboard Nazis. I’ve tried everything. I’ve tried giving them my “prison stare,” where I look as mean as I can, in hopes of scaring them away. But they are fearless, and they attack you anyway. I’ve tried, literally, pushing Cindy at them, like cannon fodder, so they corner her while I make my getaway. But they are experts . . . they will separate and one of them will get Cindy, and another one will come after me.

But my new selfie stick will solve that. As soon as one approaches and asks if I have two minutes to save the whales or the dolphins or the earth or the spotted iguana, I will immediately start slashing at their wrists with my stick, until they drop their damned clipboards. And then I will kick their clipboards into the street and say: “Remember me. I don’t have two minutes to save the planet, but I do have two minutes to whip your ass with my selfie stick.”

I guarantee you they won’t approach me again.

I’m sure once I start thinking about it, I’ll come up with more people to beat with my selfie stick. But I’m very excited about the whole concept.

6 Responses to “A much better use for the ‘selfie stick’”

  1. Kristen

    O . . .M . . .G!!!!!!!! You’d think I’d know better by now. I REALLY SHOULD know better by now. Hell, you WARNED ME, but I never have taken well to being told what to do 😉

    So, I read the new post at work, and, once again, heads all around our cube-farm started popping up like whack-a-moles to see what the hell I was laughing hysterically about over in my corner cube. And, as almost always, what I was laughing hysterically about is YOU!

    A few thoughts on this one:

    1) Are you sure you don’t live in Toronto??? Because we have all those people here, too! What ARE the chances?!

    2) Re: the walking stupid – I DO THAT TOO! See this why we’re such good friends. It’s not just everyone who shares our inner resources of barely contained Hulk-like rage – “Don’t make me angry, Mr. McGee – you wouldn’t like me when I’m angry”. I really, REALLY like that in a person!

    3) Re: Clipboard Nazis – Seriously, dude, you are my hero – this is BRILLIANT as a strategy!!!! I wanted to stand up right here in my sad, little cube, thrust my fist into the air and scream: “YOU GO, Crescenzo!!!” Here in the Canadian world of psychotic-politeness, I just smile forlornly, keep walking without breaking stride even if they step in front of me, and say: “Oh, so sorry! Can’t stop, I only have 20 minutes to get my lunch and get back to work or my boss will have my head! Sorry! Sorry!” and JUST KEEP WALKING.

    Finally, I don’t know if I should be happy, or embarrassed, but until you started ranting on this subject, I’d never even HEARD of a selfie stick. Now that I HAVE heard of them, let me just be clear – I am 200% RIGHT BEHIND YOU on this issue. Those happy few of us who actually DON’T think the entire effing WORLD revolves around us must stand together and fight the stupid . . . or, at the very least, slash their stupid clipboards into the gutter with OUR selfie sticks. HA!

  2. Nancy

    Just wondering, Steve, can selfie sticks get through airport security or will you be forced to buy one in every city and then abandon it? (If they’re allowed now, they won’t be after the officials read this blog!) And are they a legitimate business expense? Because the total cost could get quite high if you need to buy one in every city you visit.

  3. Steve Crescenzo

    Kristen: I had never heard of the “seflie stick” until a week ago, when I saw one in Basel Switzerland!! But Nancy, they MUST be allowed through airport security, because I saw people with them in the airport, after the security lines!!

    I have a sense that they can be collapsed, and fit into your roller bag or even your backpack. That would make it even MORE cool, cause I could carry it in my pocket and then whip it out, extend it, and whack someone with it, in about four seconds, like an old west gunfighter.

  4. LA

    Yep, you did it again. I, too, was laughing so hard that others in the office started to wonder about me and question what was going on in my office.

    Thanks for making TGIF better!

  5. Mark Sofman

    Totally hilarious, Steve. Funniest thing I’ve read this week. And “flying fuck through a rolling donut hole” well that’s just plain classic. I’m going to use that myself. Check out this: https://youtu.be/1fmQs37YqXg

    • Sue

      Oh wow, that Pizza Hut PSA is fantastic! Best video I’ve watched all week. Thanks, Mark.

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