A humorous look at travel, family, relationships… And all kinds of other shit.

A whole new meaning for the term ‘Room Service.’

I was cleaning out my desk the other day when I came across an old Newsweek magazine. I couldn’t for the life of me think of why I would save a Newsweek magazine, until I leafed through it and saw a story titled: “Hotel Confidential.”

Here’s the subhead:

“It’s the dirty secret about business travel . . . many married men expect sex along with their room service, according to a Newsweek poll. But will the Strauss-Kahn scandal change the rules of the game?”

If you remember, the “Strauss-Kahn scandal” involved a French diplomat who supposedly attacked a chambermaid in his hotel room. It was all over the news a couple of years ago.

And after it broke, and Newsweek wrote about it, I happened to be reading the magazine in a hotel room in Tulsa! So of course I saved the magazine. I wanted to know more about this “game” and its new rules!!

I remember thinking at the time: Why the hell didn’t I know about this “game” in the first place? I’ve been a married business traveler for many, many years!! Why didn’t anyone tell me there was a big sex game going on, with rules and everything?

I felt like the kid on the playground eating paste while all the cool kids were making out with each other and feeling each other up!

According to Newsweek, “Many” men expect sex with their room service? How many is many? Who are these men? And how do they go about getting sex with their room service?

I mean, do you order it with your food? What would that sound like?

Hotel Operator: “Room Service, how can I help you, Mister Wiener?”

Anthony Weiner: “I’d like the Caesar Salad with Chicken, the Maryland Crab Cakes, two Diet Sprites and a blowjob, please. With some mild ass play.”

Of course I’m kidding. Because the Newsweek story was full of shit, and it points to how shoddy journalism has become lately.

This “story” and “survey” has all the makings of a “trend story” that really isn’t a trend at all. Some French pervert attacks a scullery maid at a New York hotel, so now the media has to act like it’s a big trend.

Here are some of the “stunning” findings from this “exclusive” survey:

  • 2 percent of men surveyed have had sex with a hotel staffer. 2 percent?!?! That is considered “many?” That doesn’t seem like very many to me. I bet 2 percent of male business travelers also dress up as women and go line dancing at Country & Western bars. Why don’t they write about them, too?
  • 12 percent of men say they have not been fully clothed when a hotel staffer walked into their room. Now that I can believe. Hell, it has almost happened to me on accident more than once, when the damn maid comes to clean the room at 8 in the morning while I’m still doing my naked calisthenics (did you know that 2 percent of male business travelers like to do naked jumping jacks and deep knee bends while watching “Mike and Mike in the Morning” on ESPN2?)
  • 21 percent of men say they have thought about cheating on their spouse while away on business. 21 percent have thought about it? Ha ha ha!! That is total bullshit. I’d put that number closer to 95 percent.

The worst thing about this stupid article is the “tips” it offers male business travelers. It offers this advice, it says, because “Guests are on edge, management is scared,” and there are “New rules for an industry under siege.”

And what are these “new” rules? Here are some of them, and I swear I’m not making these up:

  1. Don’t answer the door if you’re not dressed.
  2. Don’t ask probing questions about the housekeeper’s personal or financial situation.
  3. Don’t ask the housekeeper for help with the pay-per-view porn channels.
  4. Don’t give the housekeeper a $100 tip.

Those are NEW rules?!?! Thank God Newsweek is providing business people with these new guidelines, otherwise you’d have hundreds of scenes like this one:

Housekeeper: “Knock knock . . . housekeeping.”

Naked man with huge erection answers the door: “Hey, come on in, Cutie Pie. Don’t pay no mind to my boner. Honey, I can’t for the life of me figure out this pay-per-view thingamiggy, and I’m just dying to watch Japanese Anal Sluts. Help a feller out, would you? And hey, you ever interested in making a little money, cause I got a hundred dollars that I can balance right here on my wanger if you want to take it off there with your purty little mouth.”

I mean, does Newsweek really think they need to tell men to not answer the door for housekeepers if they are naked?

And do you think the kind of men who would answer a door naked even read Newsweek? Probably not. But they may read this blog. And if they do, I have some additional new guidelines to add to the list:

  • If the housekeeper is in the hallway near your room, do not, under any circumstances, stick your erection out the door and make chicken noises to draw her attention.
  • Do not answer the door naked, in a state of full arousal, and then use your Bone Daddy as a pointer to show the delivery person where to set the tray.
  • Do not answer the door wearing tight female undies, and say to the housekeeper: “You know, this would look pretty good on you, too!!”
  • Do not say to the housekeeper: “Sweetie, I’m a gonna need about seventeen extra towels and a tub of Vaseline. And some hot sauce.

These are new rules for a new era. It’s a shame that damn French pervert had to ruin it for everyone!

Photo Credit: Submitted by FancyLad at I-am-bored.com