A humorous look at travel, family, relationships… And all kinds of other shit.

Life in Fakebookland

People who Facebook frequently (yes, it’s a verb now) live in two different worlds.

There’s Facebookland, where everyone’s spouse is the perfect life partner and never passes gas or even burps; all the kids are beautiful geniuses; all pets are cute and adorable; and life in general is very, very grand.

And then there’s the real world. Where shit happens. You know, bad shit. Shit that doesn’t make it into Facebookland.

I’m not saying everyone lies in Facebookland. I’m sure some people really do have perfect lives. Some other people may just exaggerate a bit. And I’m sure that some people just leave out the bad parts, but the good parts they post are mostly true.

But then there are the Fakebookers: those people who live two totally different lives: the one on Facebook, and their real lives.

They are afflicted with SMBD: Social Media Bipolar Disease.

Following is a series of fictional posts from typical Fakebookers, followed by what that same post would sound like in their real lives:

Fakebook Post: “15 years ago, I married my best friend, my shining light, my heart . . . and over the years we have only grown closer, as he has proven to be a great father, a wonderful husband, and my hero. Happy Anniversary, baby. I love you more each and every day.”

Real Life Scenario: (Same woman, screaming from the bathroom): “I swear to God, you mother fucker, if you use the last of the toilet paper again without replacing it I am going to shove a whole roll of it down your fat fucking pie hole while you’re taking one of your lousy God damn naps and suffocate you with it.”

Fakebook Post: “Happy birthday to my oldest BFF, Audrey!!! So glad we connected again out here on Facebook after 20 years! It’s like high school all over again!”

Real-Life Scenario: (Talking to her husband): “Jesus, this is like high school all over again. Bitch was crazy then, bitch is crazy now. How the hell do I unfriend her without her knowing it?”

Facebook Post: (Accompanied by a picture of a woman rubbing her pregnant belly). “Little Man has been kicking up a storm lately, letting me know he is ready to come into the world! Good thing Ben is almost finished decorating his room! Just have to put the crib together!”

Real-Life Scenario: (On the phone to a friend): “Jesus H. Christ on a popsicle stick, I can’t take two more months of this shit. I need a fucking drink. I need a fucking rink REAL BAD. And asshole Ben won’t stop drinking in front of me. Fucker drinks non-stop when he knows it’s killing me not to have one. I swear to God, I’m going to piss in his next gin and tonic when he’s not looking. And if he doesn’t get on that fucking crib I’m going to take out one of the boards and hit him in the throat with it.”

Facebook Post: “Happy 16th birthday to Ryan today! Can’t believe my little baby boy is 16! Driving soon! I must have done something right, because I’m so proud of the young man he is becoming.”

Real-Life Scenario: (In conversation with husband): “Every time I walk into a room, the little prick walks out. It’s like living with a God damned ape. All I get is grunts when I talk to him, and his room smells like a fucking stable. You know what I think? Everybody who has teenagers in life should get a dog, so at least somebody in the house is happy to see you once in a while.”

And speaking of dogs . . .

Facebook Post: (Accompanied by a photo of the family dog sitting in a huge pile of garbage and a tipped-over garbage can). “Uh oh! Looks like Rufus went looking for his own lunch again, LOL J JJ

Real-Life Scenario: (In conversation with wife): “All that God damn mutt does is eat, shit, and destroy things. I swear to God, I’m one more chewed-up sofa pillow away from putting a can of rat poison in the garbage and letting him find THAT for lunch.”

Facebook Post: (Accompanied by a picture of the person’s feet, with the ocean in the background): “Relaxed. So, so relaxed.”

Real Life Scenario: “Babe? Babe??!? Are you still here? I am so fucking drunk I can’t get out of this fucking beach chair!! BABE???! NEED A LITTLE HELP HERE!!!”

Facebook Post: “Got in a good 4.7 mile run today, despite the rain. Tough going at first, but hit a runner’s high around mile 3, and it was like I was floating on air for the last part of it!”

Real-Life Scenario: (In conversation with friend at sports bar, while eating wings and drinking Miller Lite): “You know, the only reason I jog is to get out of the fucking house. I’d like to stick the bitch’s ‘Honeydo’ list right up her ass. I’d run through a hurricane all the way to Mexico if I didn’t think the nagging bitch would follow me there and drag my ass back.”

Facebook Post: (A comment on a friend’s post/photo of the friend in a bar with a martini): “Hey, boozing it up again, girlfriend! You be keeping the bartenders busy lately! LOL J J J

Real-Life Scenario: (In conversation with husband): “You know, Annie is constantly shit faced. Did I tell you that at the baby shower last week she puked in the litter box? I think we need an intervention.”

Author’s Note: This was written in a Paris café. I’ve always wanted to write those words.

6 Responses to “Life in Fakebookland”

  1. Gayle Jegglie

    Awesome and funny, Steve!! Love it! 🙂

  2. Aidan

    Yep, this is a good summary of what I imagine is really happening behind the newsfeed. I’d also like to add the 40ish mom who continally posts selfies, all the damn time until I have to hide her.
    Facebook post: Here we are at the Ed Sheeran concert! FUN!!! (poorly lit selfie of a woman, her cleavage and her chagrined tween offspring trying to escape the camera. The photo could’ve been taken in her basement or the DMV, we have no inkling of the true venue.)
    Real-life scenario: You ungrateful kids suck. Pose for this damn picture! Show what a fun mom I am! I bought these stupid tickets, I don’t even LIKE Ed Sheeran but I am going to use it as an excuse to get my “girls” out there and see how many likes I can get because my life is so boring and everyone in my house ignores me unless they run out of clean underwear.

  3. Paul

    I’d like to find the first person who posted a picture of their feet on Facebook and give them a slap in the back of the head.

    Same goes for people who post pictures of the meal they ordered in restaurant. All it proves is that you know how to read a menu. Big f*cking deal!

  4. Craig coffey

    I prefer bipolar facebookers to the sad sloppy, hangdog bastards that leave nothing to the imagination. FBPost: why can’t my bitch ex wife stick to the terms of our custody agreement? I swear I’m going to tell the kids she fucked their orthodontist. That’ll fix her! (No translation necessary but the kids will be sure to see this when some dumbass ‘friend’ decides to share it). FB Post: my heart is broken. Why doesn’t she talk to me? I am all alone and suffering. (Yep, and now no self respecting woman would ever have sex with you; don’t read anything into the fact that she ‘liked’ your post). Yessir, a little self deception goes a long way.

  5. Kristen

    This was a good one! I can belly-laugh whole-heartedly [and BOY, did I!] recognizing a few of these, because there’s only one version of me, and there’s no fake involved. If you unfriend me, it’s for who I REALLY am.

    I never understand these folks who create a whole alter-ego persona for themselves. Dealing with my REAL life/personality/crap is bloody exhausting enough – who the hell has time to create ANOTHER life, even if it looks perfect. And just by the way, who the hell WANTS a perfect life anyhow?! How boring is that???

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