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Holy Balls! Look Who Found His!

In related news, Ryan told CNN that last Friday, he actually found his testicles, which had been missing for more than two years.

“The boys went missing when Trump won the nomination, and my wife noticed a difference in my behavior right away, said Ryan. “I was bowing and scraping a lot in front of Donald, and doing weird things like tugging my forelock, and bending over for no reason,” he said.

“It was like he was suddenly castrated,” said Ryan’s wife, Janna. “And whenever Trump’s name came up, he would pee himself a little, even in public. It was awful.”

According to Ryan, having no balls really changed the dynamic between him and President Trump. “The first time I went to the White House, President Trump pulled his pants pocket inside out, and made me hold it while we walked around the West Wing. I found out later that in prison, that would mean I was his bitch.”

Ryan added it was very awkward in Helsinki, when Trump and Ryan met with Russian Tsar Vladimir Putin.

“I was walking around holding President Trump’s pocket, and he was holding Putin’s pocket, Ryan says now with a laugh. “I think later that night, after a few vodkas, Trump sold me to Putin for a pound of Beluga caviar, but I was too drunk to remember. I just know my ass hurt like hell the next day, ha ha.”

According to Mrs. Ryan, she actually found the testicles under the couch cushions. “At first I thought they belonged to little Elizabeth’s marble game, but then I realized they were a little too small and soft to be marbles, and I was like, ‘Holy Christ, it’s Paul’s balls!”

Since having his testicles surgically reattached, Ryan says he feels like a new man, and is ready to stand up to Trump. “He better not ask me to hold his pocket now,” said Ryan. “And I think it’s about time we started paying attention to the constitution again.”